Over time, I have started to recognise my signs and symptoms - the signs and symptoms that are my red flags. If you recognise some or any of them, then maybe you need to talk to someone or see your GP:
Energy
I trudge through my days. They feel heavy and flat and joyless. I do stuff, the bare minimum, and get by. I nap if I can. Then at about 6pm I suddenly feel a lot perkier. I can tackle the washing up, I can pay some bills, I can get off the sofa…and often I go to bed later than I should because my evenings feel so much better than the days. And then I feel knackered in the mornings, and the cycle goes on.
Sleep
I could sleep forever, but usually at the wrong times. I yawn a lot. I wake in the early hours and lie there, feeling edgy and exhausted all at the same time. When I do sleep, I never feel refreshed.
Speech
I become inarticulate and much less fluent in my speech. I reach for words, and they are not there. I try to form a sentence but it comes out all wrong. I stumble over my words. I can’t gather my thoughts enough to formulate an argument or put across my point of view. I feel like I am slowly becoming mute. I can’t make small talk, and the cut and thrust of a witty conversation is totally beyond me. I become the most boring person in the room.
Thick
My brain is a fog. I can’t concentrate on anything, my brain doesn’t skip from subject to subject, it plods – meaning that by the time I have the follow up thought to the first, I can’t remember what my original thought was. It’s partly a memory thing, but I sense that my synapses aren’t firing quickly enough, they kind of know what they should be doing, but can’t be arsed. So I walk into rooms to get a hairbrush, and stand there perplexed not remembering what I came for. I put frozen mince in the cupboard. I put concealer under my eyes but forget to blend it in so I look like a reverse panda. I feel like I am in the early stages of dementia. My brain aches with the struggle.
Craving
I crave carbs. I crave wine. I crave high calorie comfort food. I crave chocolate, fudge and Baileys. My body is crying out for something to give it an energy re-boot, a stimulant, and I oblige. I get fat and feel unhealthy, grazing on rubbish but not being able to stop. I have no energy for exercise even though I know it would help.
Glum
I wallow. Self-pity and woe follow me around like a Greek chorus. I feel low and sad and everything seems pointless. I cry a lot for no particular reason. Tears roll down my cheeks and I can't stop. If anyone is kind or gentle, I cry even more.
Numb
Sometimes I can't feel anything at all.
Worry
I whittle. I worry away at thoughts pointlessly, even when I know what course of action should be taken and what the solution is. I still have to chew those things over in my poor tired brain endlessly in some dreadful unproductive and tiring loop. I wake up with dread in the pit of my stomach, but I can't pinpoint what I'm afraid of.
Appearance
I have dead fish eyes. No sparkle, no shine – like a film is over them. My face ages, etched in a permanent frowning, jowly Bassett hound droop. I look knackered.
Cross
I am a snappy, nagging, impatient, irrational harpy. I am never like this with friends or colleagues, but my poor children get growled at and hassled at every turn. I am permanent PMT mummy. I feel like a cow.
Clumsy
My movements seem bovine and I drop, bump into and trip over things. I burn my arms on the oven and cut my fingers chopping onions.
Immunity
My immune system is compromised and I catch every cough, cold and bug going. My eczema flares up and my hair falls out.
Copping Out
I give all my motivation, energy, commitment and sense of obligation to work. I am on tight rations for these commodities so anything else – baking buns for the school cake sale, taking on leading a Sunday School group, visiting friends and relatives – are unlikely to happen. They defeat me. I become a commitment-phobe and when I have too many social engagements lined up I feel panic and I invariably cancel them for the flimsiest reason. I am anti-social and lead a hermit-like existence.
This list is by no means definitive, and it is based on personal experience (and I am not a medical professional). However, I think it is fairly typical. The point is, depression can creep up on you and before you know where you are, you aren't functioning anymore. I will talk in other posts about what you can do when you are in this situation, but without a doubt, if you recognise any of these signs and symptoms you need to take action and tell someone. You can and will get better. Promise.
What are your signs and symptoms? With my beautiful brain, I've probably forgotten a few...
